Who're you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?
It's Friday and I'm feeling distracted, so what better way to waste time than to post about "Saved by the Bell," a show that has stolen countless hours of my life?
The above YouTube clip is from the "Zack Attack" episode, which might be my favorite "SBTB" ever. If you haven't seen it, this is the one where Zack dreams that his garage band Zack Attack becomes the biggest group in the world and subsequently endures "Behind the Music" style drama. The episode is memorably narrated by Casey Kasem, who seems to be under the impression that Zack Attack is a real band. There's also a killer cameo by Casey Kasem's sweater.
The clip is of the climactic "Friends Forever" reunion performance. Those looking for stupidity won't be disappointed. (Has "SBTB" EVER let you down?) My only gripe is that AC Slater isn't shown pounding the skins until the 1:36 mark, though he makes the most of his screen time with a killer drum fill.
I've got "SBTB" on the brain because I was recently discussing the show with a friend who admitted that he found it legitimately funny at times. That makes two friends who claim non-ironic laughs for "SBTB." (Cough, Tom, cough.)
Here are some examples of "SBTB" style comedy courtesy of IMDB.com.
Screech: Once, my dad let me back his car out of the garage. Then he got mad at me.
Mr. Tuttle: Well Screech, your father was probably just nervous.
Screech: Well, he had a right to be - I forgot to open the garage door.
Lisa: I hope your dad had "dork" insurance.
Mr. Belding: Screech, you can't elope.
Screech: Who're you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head?
Jessie: Slater, haven't you heard of the Women's Movement?
Slater: Sure..."Put on something cute and MOVE it into the kitchen."
Screech: Zack, something terrible has just happened.
Zack: You found out "Alf" was a puppet?
Screech: He is?
Slater: [smiling] So what happened, Preppie? Did she turn you down?
Zack: Guess again, my high school friend. She and I just agreed to get together and meet at "The Attic".
Screech: Wow, the attic. That is cool. There could be bats up there.
Slater: YOU'RE bats, screech. "The Attic" is an 'over 18' club, and Zack's only 16.
Zack: That may be true, Slater. But by tomorrow morning, we'll all be 18.
Screech: Oh no. Mom said I have to move out at 18. I gotta look for a place.
Mr. Belding: Zack, calm down. Just tell me who's threatening you.
Zack: Kelly "The Killer" Kapowski.
Mr. Belding: Kelly Kapowski?
Mr. Belding: Excuse me for a minute.
[turns head to laugh]
Mr. Belding: [still snickering] What's she gonna do? Spike you to death with a volleyball?
Screech: Hey, ya know what, Slater? With this microscope, your nose hairs look like the Amazon Rain Forest.
Slater: If you don't get that thing out of my face, I'm gonna have the Natives come out and eat you.
Jessie: Eh, I hate coffee. Suzy, can I have another cup please?
Zack: So why are you drinking it?
Screech: What else is she gonna do with the coffee Zack?
Zack: Use your head as a donut and dunk you in it.
Screech: No way, my head would never fit in the cup.
Screech: Kelly! I know he asked you to go with him. Is the answer yes?
Kelly: Well, you can't tell Zack, but
[shakes head yes]
Screech: Oh, my! What a moment! What a thrill! First the Berlin Wall comes down, then the Brady Bunch comes back, and now Zack and Kelly are going steady!
Screech: You girls are lucky; wait 'til you see me in a wet t-shirt.
Lisa: Only if it involves you drowning.