The easiest gig in the world
Advice columns fascinate me. They also make me envious, because writing one is the easiest gig in the world. Your readers write half of it, and usually the situations are so clearcut that you can bang out a response in 10 minutes.
This must be the worst letter I have ever read in an advice column. It's so bad, in fact, that I can't understand why she would ask for advice. Is there any reason in the world why somebody would tell her to stay. Let's see: Practically no sex for 15 (!) years, her husband hangs out in lesbian bars, and now she has some spinal sickness. Yep, he's a keeper!
Does anybody out there need advice? Leave your problems in the comments section and I'll solve 'em!
posted by Steve Hyden @ 11:19 AM
21 Comments:
Dear Confused:
Have you considered counseling? Sometimes it helps to talk to a paid professional who takes the time to listen to our problems. In lieu of that, I say don't wear one. It's spring time! Let the air touch your skin!
Steve
Dear Steve,
I've been thinking about eating a placenta. Is that normal or I'm I as confused as the guy who can't decide to wear a jacket?
Sincerely,
Tom
Dear Steve,
I've been thinking about making a jacket out of placenta and then eating it. Is that normal or am I as confused as the guy who can't decide to wear a jacket or just eat placenta?
Sincerely,
TC
Dear Steve,
I keep hearing rumors that someone might eat me or turn me into a jacket. What should I do?
-A scared placenta
Dear Tom:
Have you considered counseling? Sometimes it helps to talk to a paid professional who takes the time to listen to our problems. In lieu of that, I'd say don't eat the placenta. Have you ever dined at Denny's? It's surprisingly good. Plus, the food doesn't come secreted out of your wife's private parts.
-- Steve
Dear Jen:
He does not hate you. People have many reasons for not writing. He may be busy. He may be dead. But mad? At you? Never!
-- Steve
Dear TC:
Don't do it! Placenta shrinks after a single washing. Plus, it's too warm to wear a jacket! Enjoy the spring!
-- Steve
Dear Dave:
Are you asking for advice? No, I don't think you are.
-- Steve
Dear Scarred Placenta:
First off, hire an agent. As far as I can tell, you are the first placenta ever to have internet access and the ability to leave comments on a blog. That has to be worth something out in Hollywood. Once you get your name out there, nobody will be able to eat/wear you.
-- Steve
Dear Hungry:
Yes, but it will make you stupider.
-- Steve
Dear Steve,
I know I should be working, but instead I keep reading this great blog called "Under 30". What should I do?
-r
Dear Steve,
I was disappointed that "Bicentennial Man" and "Flubber" did not make your Top 5 all-time movies list. Did I turn down an autograph request of yours when you were a child? If so, how can I convince you to see me in my upcoming film, 'RV?'
R-Dub
Dear r:
The choice between working and goofing off is a difficult one. I say compromise: Make an effort to pretend you're working hard so the boss will be placated, but continue to read this blog. That way, everybody wins.
-- Steve
R-dub:
Good question! Normally, I would say my chances of seeing "RV" are roughly equivilant to your chances of actually being funny on purpose. Which is to say, zero. But this weekend I saw "Failure to Launch," a horrible piece of garbage I would normally ignore, because my grandma wanted to see it. So if my grandma is down, I'll be enjoying your craptastic mugging at a theater near her very soon!
-- Steve
steve,
this jen character seems rather dandy. should i ask her out?
confused in columbus
Steve,
I've been patiently waiting to hear about your date with gramma to see Failure to Launch. How long do I have to wade through your American Idol yammering to hear it?
Dear Confused:
Normally, I would say, yes, ask her out. However, your use of the word "dandy" troubles me. Dandy? Are you an extra from a 1940s musical? Jen might be too modern for you.
Dandy Jen:
Again, the word dandy. I don't know, Jen. I mean, you're swell and all. The bee's knees, even. No foolin'! I say go for it!
--Steve
steven,
i am not from the olden days. i am classy (hot dog!). i could call jen "hot" or "delicious", but that wouldn't help my case.
confused
jen,
i don't think so.
confused
Anonymouse:
Stop trying to pick up my comment leavers. You are creeping me out. And it's not working.
-- The Management
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