A show called "Rock Star" that doesn't actually rock? Sounds great!

It's almost six months until Simon Cowell splashes cold water in the faces of the latest crop of Mariah-lovin' high school theater kids, so I've been forced to scour the depths for my crappy talent show fix. Hence my recent fascination with "Rock Star: Supernova," which airs Tuesday and Wednesday (!) nights on CBS.

I didn't catch the first season of "Rock Star," which featured '80s pop rock band INXS seeking a replacement for dead lead singer Michael Hutchence. It's my understanding the first season contestants were better than the current group, but I don't care about quality. As is the case with "American Idol," the appeal of "Rock Star" has nothing to do with music. I already have ZERO interest in a band featuring Gilby Clarke, Jason Newstead and Tommy Lee, so who cares who the lead singer is? (I might feel differently if "Rock Star" host Dave Navarro was in the band. Believe it or not, but Navarro used to be a really good rock guitarist. It's crazy that Jane's Addiction masterpiece "Nothing's Shocking" came out 18 years ago. Times have changed, yo. By the 20th anniversary Dave will be on "Hollywood Squares.")

I don't even like Velvet Revolver, and that band has three REAL ex-members of Guns 'n Roses. All Supernova has is the dude whose peak with GNR was appearing in the "Estranged" video.

I like "Rock Star: Supernova" because it presents rock cliches with the utmost seriousness and an air of unashamed calculation. (I should also mention host Brooke Burke, an unintentional riot whose hotness is in inverse proportion to her ability to read a teleprompter with conviction.) In the world of "Rock Star", there's no way a band called Supernova anchored by three over-the-hill hasbeens could be lame. This band is going to be THE BEST EVER! So let's make devil horns as we download The Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" into our cellphone, which just happens to be a major sponser, because we never heard the song before and we really want to fulfill our lifelong dream of jamming with guitar legend Slash! I mean Izzy Stradlin! I mean the other guy! Who? Oh yeah, Gilby Clarke!

Whenever I watch "Rock Star: Supernova," I play this game where I list things mentioned on the show that do not rock. A recent list included the following items:

Jason Newstead (Cliff Burton would have never done a freakin' reality show)
Tattoos (Your mom probably has one now. Unmarked skin is the new rebellion)
Leather
Crucifixes
Covers of Live songs about dolphins
Newborn babies
Gilby Clarke's heavy cheek rouge (it's more Elizabeth Taylor than Gene Simmons)
The words "jam" or "killer"
Bad Company covers
Growly, third-rate Eddie Vedder imitations
Bands named after interstellar phenomena
Women named Storm who aren't part of the X-Men
Eye make-up