Under 30 preview: Mocking Mel a week late

I’m mad at Mel Gibson. Not because he downed enough booze to make a blue whale French kiss a goldfish. Not because his drunken driving turned the streets of Malibu into “Mad Max 4.” And not because his theories about Jewish people lack the sophistication of a fourth grade book report on “Mein Kampf.”

I’m mad at Mel Gibson because his meltdown happened while I was on vacation.

This column is all about making fun of people. And I need a constant supply of hilarious buffoonery to ply my trade. Mel, I take only three weeks off every year. Would it have killed you to wait a few days before going insane? Thanks for nothing, pal.

If I had been here last Friday I would have written something like this: “So alcohol turns Mel Gibson into an anti-Semite. I’m not condoning such behavior, but is there a person among us who wasn’t done something regrettable after a sustained assault of Jell-O shots from pretty blonde women? Mel got drunk and blamed Jews for all wars. I got drunk once in college and stole a girl’s car keys, which I later threw off the Water Street bridge in Eau Claire because my buddy John told me to. Who’s the bigger jerk, me or Mel?

“I’m not even sure this is the worst thing Mel Gibson has ever done. Haven’t you seen ‘Signs’?”

Kind of funny, no? Unfortunately, when it comes to mocking people, places or things, you have one week tops to get your wisecracks in. I’m about one week late. So now I’m stuck with a bunch of moldy one-liners you probably already dozens of times from Jay Leno.

Timing means a lot in the topical column writing game. I started writing this column five years ago this week (hold your applause until I’m finished), and I have been lucky enough to write about topless pop stars, body hair, grinding and getting shot in the face, among other timely journalistic topics.

But I can’t help obsessing over all the funny stuff that happened before I started writing the column. Just as every investigative reporter in his 20s or 30s wishes he had been working during the Watergate era, I would have loved to write a pop culture humor column when Steve Guttenberg was one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. The comedic value of a man whose filmography includes “Three Men and a Baby” AND “Short Circuit” AND “Police Academy I-IV” should never decline, but Guttenberg’s mocking power in 2006 ain’t the same as it was in 1986.

Find out about four other topics I wish I had been able to make fun of in timely fashion in Friday's Under 30 column.