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Sunday, February 19, 2006

HWJD, or, How would Jesus drum?

I was talking with my friend Tim the other night when an interesting theological/musicological question came up: If Jesus was a rock drummer, which rock drummer would he be? My friend Rebecca theorized that Christ would be Keith Moon from The Who, the flashiest and most spectacular timekeeper in rock history. Tim, on the other hand, said Jesus would be Ringo Starr, because Jesus was a humble man, a carpenter, and wouldn't feel the need to play with lots of hot-dogging. Also, if you were Jesus, wouldn't you want to be a member of the greatest rock band ever?

This scenario brings to mind the climax of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" when Indy has to pick the holy grail out of a collection of cups. The Nazi scumbag picks the most spectacular cup out of the bunch and turns into a skeleton when he drinks the holy water. Indy picks the simple wooden cup and ends up choosing wisely. Ringo, it seems, is the wooden cup.

I'm tempted to go in a slightly different direction, however. I think Jesus would be Charlie Watts from the Rolling Stones. Watts is straight-forward and in the pocket like Ringo when he plays with the Stones, but he shows off his brilliant jazz chops for side projects. Charlie has the ability to destroy you with flash, but he holds back, just like J-Man. Charlie truly is part man, part god.

Of course, the Stones recorded "Sympathy for the Devil," which seems to throw my Jesus theory out the window. But you know what they say about the lord, he works in mysterious ways.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steve,
True Watts and Star both lay back.. one huge difference though, Star is a really pitiful drummer, he could never preform the equivelant of a miracle. Watts is good, and much much more humble.

Definitely not Lars and likely not mr. led zeppelin, he's too good. But the question still remains, "where's all the jesus furniture".

Maybe Jesus drummer played with a band all of us have never heard of.

mark

2:59 PM  
Blogger paul said...

Ask these folks .

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Tim Fucking Schweiger said...

holy shit mark, have you ever heard music????? Cause I don't think that you have. Also, thank god my name has finally been mentioned in your blog. I can die now. And start a band with jesus in heaven. I bet they have a pretty rockin band up there. Or something. fuck not appreciating ringo in the face. and no, you cannot win this argument.

5:46 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

ringo is an average drummer, a good 7th grade percussion student could play on most beatles tracks.

8:15 PM  
Anonymous tim fucking schweiger said...

mark drinks his own pee.

2:32 PM  
Anonymous mark said...

fuck off. totally!

(i saw valley girl tonight...)

2:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the more proper question is such...How DID Jesus drum.

We all know that Jesus as an infant was inspired to the craft by that pa-rumpa-pum-pum kid.

I heard a story that Christ was playing an arena gig with his band in about 23 AD, and upon breaking a stick, threw it into the crowd as is customary to this day.

Miraculously, everyone in the crowd caught a piece of the broken stick, and his roadies collected several baskets of broken drumstick after the encore.

Further evidence of Christ's love for the drums is documented in the lost beatitude.

"Blessed are those who endure 47 minute drum solos, for they will be the only ones who don't have to listen to Amy Grant in heaven."

5:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

baby baby is quite awful.

7:58 PM  

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