One Man's Opinion, Part 2

Yesterday I posted the first advice column I wrote for BULL, a free men's magazine produced by The Post-Crescent and distributed at bars, gas stations and brothels throughout the Fox Valley. (Joking about the brothels. Do we have brothels in the Fox Valley?) Anyway, here is the second advice column to spring from my keyboard. And it hasn't even been published yet. So enjoy.

ONE MAN’S OPINION: An advice column by Steven Hyden

Before I begin dispensing pearls of wisdom to confused and conflicted BULL readers, I want to get something off my chest. As a licensed practitioner of the advice column writing arts, I am disturbed by how most of my colleagues mention therapy as a solution to a range of different problems.

Here at One Man’s Opinion, I will never suggest that a reader go to therapy. That is what I like to call “passing the buck.” If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will simply make up an answer that sounds useful and profound but in fact has no use and is so simple anybody could have said it.

I feel a lot better. Let’s get to this month’s questions.

A friend of mine hacked into her boyfriend’s e-mail and he is apparently trying to find a male for a sexual encounter. She contacted the other man and found out that it has been a while since their last clandestine meeting. Should she break up with him? Or should she just over look the potential infidelity that actually did NOT take place during their dating?

Did you hear that? It was the sound of my mind being blown.

This is a question for which I have absolutely no frame of reference. So I’m just going to follow my gut: She should break up with him. Remove the salacious “finding a male for a sexual encounter” element from the equation and you still have a guy who is actively (though unsuccessfully) trying to cheat on his girlfriend. Also, the fact that she is hacking into his e-mail suggests the relationship already is more like 2006 Nick and Jessica than 2003 Nick and Jessica.

By the way, when she dumps this guy, she might as well bring up the fact that she read his e-mail. It will make him hate her, sure, but this doesn’t sound like a relationship she should want to continue anyway. That is, unless there is a “Melrose Place” inspired reality show in it for her.

Why is it so hard to convince a guy to have a no-strings relationship? Isn't that all they want?

Of the thousands of men reading this advice column, I’m guessing 91 percent just spit out their beers. “Why can’t I meet women like this?” And they will probably think I made up this question. Well, fellas, I didn’t make it up. And as enticing as a no-strings relationship seems in your head, it’s just as icky and uncomfortable in real life.

Most men are like Howard Stern. Out in public Howard Stern talks about chicks and boobs and basically acts like an amalgam of every unshaven dude from a thousand beer commercials. In private, however, Stern is a different guy. He has a family and a girlfriend. He watches “Smallville” every week. If he were alone, he likely would spend Saturday nights staring out the rain-splashed window while Harry Connick Jr. CDs played in the background.

In other words, no matter how they act or what they say in public, most men are softhearted wussy frauds. And the idea of a no-strings relationship bothers us as much as it bothers most women. Sure, you have guys who can hook-up without emotional baggage. And you have women like that, too. But as is the case with most things related to sex, people talk far more than they act.