My first love advice column

You might remember about a month ago I did a blog post about writing an advice column for BULL, a men's magazine produced by The Post-Crescent, and looking for questions from readers. You guys stepped up and helped me out. You rule.

Now I am writing my second advice column, and I just realized I never posted my first one. BULL doesn't have a Web site, so I'll post the whole thing here. By the way, the second column will be way better because the questions are way better. (Thanks Sharon!) But I think this turned out well. Enjoy!

ONE MAN'S OPINION: AN ADVICE COLUMN BY STEVEN HYDEN

Welcome to my first-ever advice column. Before I begin dishing knowledge about love and relationships, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 28 years old. I am currently dating someone. (A girl, in fact.) I have never been married, though I have been engaged. My first kiss came at age 16 after a cast party for my high school’s production of "Fiddler on the Roof." The one thing I know for sure about women is they really like it when you massage their feet, but they will never offer to massage your feet in return.

The most important thing you should know about me is I’m a guy. I’m not sure if that comes across in writing. If you could hear me talk, you would definitely be impressed by the James Earl Jonesesque richness of my voice, but I digress. My maleness makes me unique among advice columnists, who tend to be middle-aged women who love therapy and have probably never seen "Dodgeball" 15 times.

I am the advice columnist you deserve. So let’s get started.

How do I know if a girl is just flirting with me or if she really likes me?

Wow. I don’t get a warm-up question? Just straight into the murky "Does she like me?" abyss. Fair enough.

Before I answer this question, I’m gonna have to assume a few things. First off, you must already have some kind of relationship with this foxy little temptress. She’s a friend or a friend of a friend or a co-worker, right? If this is just some girl you met in a bar, you have no right to even entertain the possibility that she likes you. You barely know her, she barely knows you, and alcohol is involved. Alcohol is to attraction what steroids is to homerun-hitting: it makes it easier and, thus, less impressive.

So you kinda know her and she’s always flirty when you’re around. How do you figure out if there’s something more there? I’m going to say this really slowly because my advice is rather complicated: ASSSK. HEEEER. OUUUUT. What did you think I was going to say? Tell your friend to ask her in algebra class if she likes you or "likes you likes you"? Go on a date and see how it goes. Who knows? Maybe she’s better at talking than following through.

All my girlfriend wants to do is have sex. How do I politely show her that I’m not just a pretty face?

I bet the guy who asked the first question is so jealous of this guy. It just goes to show that while some guys pray for rain, others search high and low for an umbrella.

Has it ever occurred to you that your girlfriend has nothing to offer other than sex? Maybe she wants to do the horizontal hula all the time because it’s the only dance she knows. Now, of all the things one could offer, sex is pretty great. It’s a whole lot more exciting than, say, a tasty recipe for tuna casserole. But it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. One needs simulating conversation, shared interests, compatible-my god, sex all the time? Really? And you’re complaining?

Where was I? Oh yes, I’m afraid it’s time to give ol’ Loosey Lucy the pink slip. Cruel, I know, but necessary. But don’t worry. I know about 139 guys who would love to take her out.