Sing it or leave it

What does it mean to be an American? Some might say being American means having control over your own destiny, whether it's getting the career you want after years of hard work or believing in whatever religion or philosophy you choose. Others might say being American means believing in an abstraction that encompasses ideas of liberty, justice and personal responsibility.

These people, obviously, are wrong. Americans are defined by two things: (1) Our flag and (2) our National Anthem. These inanimate objects animate the souls of real Americans. And real Americans will fight like a rabid pitbull repeatedly stun-gunned in the testicles to protect both.

As you know, our National Anthem is under siege from those who want to sing it in Spanish. Real Americans know the Anthem is supposed to be sung in English. Or, perhaps more accurately, mumbled in English between gulps of domestic beer before baseball games.

If we let people sing the Anthem in Spanish, what’s next? A Russian translation? How about French? Pretty soon some yahoo will want to sing it in Canadian. We’re talking about a slippery slope, folks. Sure, some of you won’t think this is serious. But that’s what they said about Nazi Germany!

Look, should we make America’s official song accessible to as many people as possible, so it can move and inspire them and make our dreams of freedom their dreams of freedom? Or should we blow this out of proportion and look like overreacting jackasses?

The answer is obvious: Learno Englisho.

P.S. If I can be a non-moron for a moment, I'd just like to point out that most of the world has been complaining about American cultural imperialism for years. It's one of the main things driving anti-American feeling in the Middle East. I always thought that was stupid. If people in Egypt want to play PS2 and listen to Metallica, why shouldn't they?

This is an instance of another culture "invading" ours, so to speak.

I ask this somewhat ironically, but somewhat not: What's wrong with destroying each other's cultures? Wouldn't we better off if we weren't so concerned about being "an American" or "a Christian" or "a Muslim" or an "African-American" or an "Irish-American" or whatever? These labels build walls that keep us apart and inevitably cause us to shoot at each other. We're so concerned about preserving the past that we never ask whether the past is worth preserving.

Just a thought I'll probably discount in 15 minutes.