Shameless self-promotion: Under 30 column presents The Sweatys

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first-ever Sweatys, an awards show that honors dubious achievements by celebrities and newsmakers during the summer of 2006!

I'm your host Steven Hyden. You may know me from such Post-Crescent columns as "Boy, politicians are crooked!" and "What's the deal with airplane food?" It's great to see so many famous people in the audience tonight. Looking lovely as usual, Scarlett. Sorry about getting fired by Paramount, Tom. Please stop humping your chair, Paris.

The Sweatys are the place to be tonight as we head into Labor Day weekend and look back on one crrrazy summer. Speculation over this year's winners has been running rampant in Hollywood for months, which is amazing considering I didn't invent the prize until this week.

Without further ado, let's get Sweaty!

The "Where is Zack Morris When You Need Him?" Award: Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech from the craptastic early '90s sitcom "Saved by the Bell," was back in the news for all the wrong reasons this summer. In June he tried to save his Milwaukee-area home from foreclosure by selling T-shirts, a scheme apparently cooked up by Zack and A.C. Slater to the comical chagrin of Mr. Belding. In August Diamond was mugged by a 28-year-old woman in an Omaha hotel room. As if things couldn't get any worse, Lisa Turtle still thinks he's a total dweeb.

The "If You Need a Babysitter, Don't Call This Guy" Award: Appleton man Ryan Van Hammond is on a rocky road after stealing a bucket of ice cream from a 14-year-old boy in July. (Get it? Rocky road? Never mind.) Van Hammond faces a felony theft charge as well as two counts of bail jumping in connection with a complaint that he struck and pointed a gun at a teenage boy during a family party in April. He is now available for all birthdays, graduations and baptisms.

Read the rest here.